I did it.

I sure did. I just up and walked out of my job. It wasnt so great when it happened, but now I feel a big sense of relief. No more bullshit drama. No more gossip. And most importantly, no more negative, bipolar boss.

So what was the straw that broke the camels back? Well, first off, I did my job. I did everything that was required of me, on time, and I always completed it. Right? Right. Even in todays meeting, when I brought that up to the boss, she said "I never said you werent doing your job." But obviously that wasnt good enough. Apparently along with that job I was supposed to be a friend. I was supposed to talk and be giddy and pretend that I was in a great mood even though the aura of the office was negative. She was never satisfied with anything. I mean, it was a constant "GOD DAMN IT, SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!" or worse, talking shit about anybody and everybody. Id ask what a case was about and it wasnt just "Oh so and so is doing this now". It was more of "Oh, that stupid nut is doing this now." Or for example yesterday, when I asked what a client who was supposed to be coming in looked like, the very first response was "A Jew." Umm, Im sorry but what does a fucking Jew look like? Seriously. When people are negative and always bitching or talking shit about someone/something, it rubs off. And when that happens, who the fuck wants to be your friend?? I dont.

So anyway, back to the straw in the camels back. I have only been talking to my boss about business related matters. She dropped from my "friends list" a long time ago when I figured out how two faced she was. She felt that she couldnt talk to me because of this and decided to have an unexpected meeting with me today. Once that conference room door shut it was immediate attacking.

"I DONT KNOW WHAT I DID TO YOU, BUT IM TIRED OF YOU TREATING ME LIKE IM A NOBODY AND HEARING ALL THIS GOSSIP SO WHY DONT YOU TELL ME WHAT I DID TO YOU TO MAKE YOU TREAT ME SO BADLY!"

This is not how an adult conversation should be. How about instead of attacking me and accusing me of gossip (as if shes not the Queen of Gossip), tell me what was heard and ask me, like an adult, to explain. She even went as far as to tell me to quit yelling at her when she was the one attacking me to begin with. Its only a natural reaction when someone raises their voice to you, youre going to do it back. Plus, if someone demands me to tell them something then they cant be mad at me because my answer isnt what they want it to be. Everything I would tell her she would get even more mad about and start yelling at me more. It got to the point where she was just yelling at me as if she were my mom and not letting me speak at all, so I finally had enough of it and walked out.

Best decision Ive ever made in my life. Ever.

A new goal

"You always said that I was always right. That I made the right choices & had the right reasons for them & you confided in me for the right answers. But when it came to our friendship I was the one that was wrong & you were the one that was right. I failed you & you fought; I was sorry & you forgave. But I realize now that there is a part of me that isnt sorry because it only brought us closer. We didnt need to see each other all the time & hang out to be close. I learned to confide in you as you much as you did me. I needed you then as I need you now, & even though I cant have that anymore I will always appreciate that second chance you gave me."

I wrote that on Laura's Facebook wall the other day. When someone walks out of your life there is always some sort of regret. When my dad passed, the guilt I still carry with me is that I was so mean to him when he was sick. I was only 14 years old at the time and didnt know any better because he didnt tell me or my sisters the condition of his health, but that doesnt seem to change the way I feel now. With my friend Laura recently passing, all I can think about is how I shouldve made time for her. She understood that I work 7 days a week and she never begged for my time, but I should have taken the initiative and made time for her anyway because I knew thats what she wanted. With that said, I will try and set a new goal. Regardless of the amount that I have to work or the money I have or dont have, I will try to hang out with each of my friends at least once a month. I dont have very many since having two jobs for 5 years has made me fall off the face of the earth, but I still have a few and I will do my best. It doesnt change anything between Laura and I, but at least I wont have the same regrets if and when another friend leaves.

My dear friend

I met her at when I worked at Home Depot. At first, she didnt like me. I didnt know that then, of course, but it was because she thought I was a bitch. Not because I personally did anything to her, but because I didnt really come off as a friendly person. She gave me a chance anyway. That was one of the many good things about her.. she gave people chances. We instantly got along great. She was the bubbly, happy-go-lucky one and I was the more serious one. She confided in me when she was down and looked up to me because she thought I always made the right choices and had the right reasons for them. I envied her free spirit, her carefree attitude. She was spontaneous and did things for the memories of happy moments. When I lived in Sachse she was there for me every day. We stayed up late at night just talking and drinking then fell asleep in my bed. She used to clean my apartment while I was at work. I eventually moved 45 minutes away from her. After that, we only talked on occassion, usually through text. And then I gave up on her. She fought for me and gave me a second chance at friendship. It brought us closer.

Yesterday Laura was taken from me and everyone else who loved her. I am thankful for the good memories she gave me and I will never forget her or our friendship.

My dear friend, Laura

May you rest in peace.

2010: a time for change?

Things have not been going well for me for the past few months. I cant stand my job boss and have been searching for a new one for a good while now, I feel like I come home to take care of kids (people I am supporting) after a stressful day of work, I work too much in general (7 days a week), and I just found out that Walgreens did not provide me with insurance even though I signed up for it. Saturday I opened my electricity bill and it was $300 (see, I told you they were kids), yesterday I spent $188 at the doctor's office due to the lack of insurance and I havent even gotten the prescriptions filled yet. My boss told me the other day, in a positive way, that we were about to get a lot of good work coming in and that I "should be lucky that I have a job instead of being like those who just got laid off." Who says that to their employee? I mean is that supposed to make me see the light? Cause if so, it just made me hate my boss that much more instead.


When I read everyone else's blogs I find a lot of positivity and it really makes me envy them. I want to be a positive person. I want my life to be positive and I want all the people making me work hard to drag me down to just get out. I am tired of compromising and am struggling to make everyone else happy. I need to be free.


I got this in an email and thought I would share. Perfect timing, huh?


HANDBOOK 2010:


Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2009.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10 - 30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.


Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't overdo. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the cirriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree..


Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything..
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business..
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.


Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
35. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
36. The best is yet to come..
37. Your inner most is always happy. So, be happy.