A blessing in disguise.

What a weekend! My cousin passed away last week so I had to take a last minute trip to Houston. Left the house at 6 am to make it there at 11 am and oddly enough it was one of the best days ever. I got to see my uncle, finally, after over 11 years. He was my favorite one. Also, my grandma was there too and a distant cousin I would love to keep in touch with.

I wonder if people ever really sit and think about the reasons why their parents do things when they were young. I came from a VERY sheltered life; no friends, no telephone, no nothing. My life consisted of studying, eating, and doing chores. There are not a lot of good memories about my childhood at all. Back then I hated every moment of it because it was a very abusive and controlling time in my life. Now that I look back on things, I realize that what I went through as a child is probably one of the best things my mom could do for me. She loved me so dearly, but expressed it in a harsh difficult way. I am thankful for that now otherwise Id probably be a dumbass druggy with no motivation in life. Not having friends as a child (and I do mean that literally, if I got caught talking to someone at school I would get in trouble) has helped me realize that I am the most important thing in my life - not to put that selfishly. My studying and what I need to do to get things done comes before procrastation for social time. Ive realized that people today do not have the morals and honesty that I have, and I learned that the hard way by putting them at the same "level" as I am. It sounds cynical, but the reality of it is true.

My birthday is in a little over a month and I was trying to plan a trip to Vegas for it but.. plans have changed. I got an invite to go to Belize instead and Im talking her up on it! Nothing is set in stone, but Ill keep you guys posted!

:(

Eleven years today. The pain gets easier, but it never really goes away. 

RIP Daddy. I love you. 

Mynx

I had a busy little weekend. Saturday I went to Six Flags with the Tran Clan and my cousin Alan. It's been a looong time. They changed the ride names and it's not really divided into Six Countries anymore like I remember. I still loved it, of course, because the sole reason I go to those places aren't for the rides (2 heart surgeries.. no thanks) but for the food. Why is it that every time I go to the State Fair or Six Flags somebody has to make a "You're still eating?!" comment? Who doesn't love junk food? I made an exception to my healthy eating for Six Flags.

Then there was Houston on Monday and Tuesday. Long story short, I am now IV Certified. All I have to do now is wait for my certificate to come in the mail, update my resume, and start applying for hospital work. I made an extended exception to my healthy eating (I refuse to call it a "diet" because the bigger people get offended since I am not fat) for Houston too. While there, Josh and I hit up the Houston Galleria (which, by the way, blows Northpark WAY out of the water) and had dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. I tried their blueberry white chocolate cheesecake for the first time and it was de-lish! My mouth is starting to water.

Annnd the best is always saved for last..

Meet Mynx. I visited her while visiting my friend, Desmond, in Houston. She makes me happy =D

Withdrawal

Right now, more than anything, I want to eat bread. I know that sounds really weird, but Ive been on a diet for like um.. 3 days now (lol), and Im not allowed to eat pastas, breads, and the like. The other day I went to Albertsons and the cashier checking me out asked me if I wanted a fresh, hot loaf of french bread. I have NEVER EVER been asked that at Albertsons. It was all steamy and I could just smell the goodness of it just sitting there looking all yummy. It was really hard to decline. But I did..

Because I am strong.

We all scream for ice cream

One of my favorite things to hear growing up was that musical truck outside of the house. Yup, the ice cream man. And I still do love that sound. But today was a little different..

A couple months ago, Robert and I were at the house when we heard the truck go by. You cant hear the truck go by and NOT run out there like a little 5 year old, so we did. Its so hard to choose just one, but after much thought I ended up with the Watermelon Bomb Pop and he got the Fudge Bomb Pop. We ate them like 5 year old kids too. But..

I shouldve gotten the damn Fudge Bomb Pop.

So for the longest time I kept two dollars on me (if you know me, you know that I rarely ever have any cash on me) because I craved that Fudge Bomb Pop. And for the longest time the ice cream man would not come back. Eventually I spent the money on something else.

To my surprise, while I was taking a nice little nap today, I was woken up by the musical truck. I cant remember the last time I jumped out of bed so fast. But instead of running out the door, I ran to the window to watch the truck go all the way down my street and then turn around and go all the way back until it disappeared. I felt like a disappointed 5 year old girl.

And even acted like one when I went straight to the edge of my bed and sat there to mope.

On a more positive note, this morning I worked out on the elliptical for an hour straight. I left the gym over 500 calories less then when I got there and I felt damn good about it. Maybe this was why I didnt get my Bomb Pop..

Goals II

Ok, I think I failed miserably at this one. The bad thing about hanging out is that you have to have money, and well, with one job right now I just cant do that all the time. The good news is that lately Ive been setting new goals for myself and Ive been successful at them.

• Working out. This one is a hard one for obvious reasons. Right now I weigh 105 lbs. I know, "Youre skinny" and "You dont need to" yadda yadda. I get that all the time. The older you get the worse your body gets. I am skinny everywhere except my belly and that bothers me so its time to tone it down. I have been waking up early every morning (even on days off) to do this and I feel accomplished everyday.
• Eating healthy. This one is harder than the whole workout thing because when you cant cook its hard to eat healthy. Well, I cant cook but that doesnt mean I wont try. Today I cooked tilapia for the first time. Success!
• Working hard for the money. Ill be starting my Senior CPhT training here in a few weeks so that I can get promoted at Walgreens. Not only that, Ive signed up for a class in Houston to get my IV Certification for hospital pharmacy which will begin in May. Hopefully afterwards I can find a part time job at a hospital.

My biggest goal will be the hardest of all. Traveling. I have wanted to take a vacation since forever but I havent been able to. There will hopefully be a Las Vegas trip sometime soon and Robert wants to go to Jersey this summer. I was reading Celeste's blog and noticed that she had a ABC Destination List. Brilliant idea, so I "stole" it. Lets see how far I can get.

Sisterly love

I didnt realize until just a few days ago how much my oldest sister, Ann, has done for me. I got to thinking about it and she has been with me through the most memorable moments of my life. Let me name a few.

1. My very first concert. It was Ashlee Simpson (LOL). 

2. Introduction to Cirque du Soleil. I loved it so much that I always go when they come to Dallas and I want to go to Vegas just to see them there.

3. Britney Spears concert. I have been a Britney Spears fan since she came out in 1999 but I never had the chance to go to one of her concerts. Ten years later, Im at the Circus tour with none other than Ann.

4. First show at the Improv - Angelina Johnson aka Bon Qui Qui from MadTV. If you havent seen it, YouTube it because its well worth your time. I got my first picture with someone famous that day.

5. The Guadalupe River. Although I dont feel the need to go anymore and want to find a new summer tradition, I did float the river for a few years after she took me there for the first time.

Recently, I had found out that Chelsea Handler was coming to Dallas so I went online to get tickets to her show. To my disappointment, they were already sold out. Last Saturday was her showing and instead of having a good time there I had to work (with a headache). When I got home the headache had gotten so bad that I couldnt do anything but lay in bed with the blanket over my face to block out the sun and I was pretty sure it was turning into a migraine. (The neighbor's lawn mower was SO not helping!) Ann came home a few minutes later with a present for me that seriously made my headache go away in an instant.

No, it was not tickets to the Chelsea Handler show. Dont be stupid. See below:

Yup, its my very own Chelsea Handler book. But that was not the cherry on top:

"Sara! Cheers! Chelsea" ..and she specifically made her sign it in my favorite color - purple. My first autographed anything.

Everyone needs one..

It just occured to me, while looking through someone's Facebook pictures, that I dont have a real best friend (that doesnt include a boyfriend). I mean, I have a lot of friends that Ive known for almost 10 years but none that I can go on a vacation with or cry to. I feel really lonely.

Sigh.

Lifesaver

I am moved out! Well, sort of. I have a few rinky dink things laying around the apartment here and there but it will be all cleaned out tomorrow. I have to be out by Saturday so I plan on spot cleaning too. The boxes around the house havent completely been unpacked yet.. some things need to be moved to storage and there isnt space right now so until then I cant really move things around my room yet. BUT I did do something that needed to be done years ago..

Cleaned out the closet.

Bye bye Abercrombie/American Eagle clothes. I gave them all to Katie. She really helped get me out of my unmotivated "depressed" state by volunteering to help me pack and move. I hate that most of the clothes I got rid of were my Abercrombie ones but they were all form fitting (which I hate now that Ive gained a few pounds) and also they make me look 12.

The move out process is going slowly but surely. I cannot wait to completely rid myself of those apartments.

To-Do List

My to-do list for today was as follows:

Pack up all the stuff in my apartment so that I can move out asap.

What really happened:

Packed two small boxes which consisted of bathroom things and my DVDs/Wii games, then drove to my sister's house to hang out with her fiance, Tim.

I failed miserably. I feel very overwhelmed. I dont know where to start packing, I have nobody to help me, and I get really bored doing it. This place is a mess. I ended up staying at Tim's for about 7 hours and the whole time I was there I ate junk and then fell asleep on the couch. I feel like shit too, unmotivated and unhealthy. If you saw me youd think I was depressed. Im not, just really stressed out. Right now I just want to curl into bed and make the day go away.

Tomorrow after work I will try again.

Winter Wonderland

It has been snowing all day, literally. The soft and beautiful kind of snow. Texas doesnt really get snow, and when it does its usually that watery type of snow thats not really much fun and goes away or just turns to pain in the ass ice. People are actually making real snowmen today. I love it.

After the storm

The storm being my boss, or should I say ex-boss. Life is.. great! For once I can honestly say it. 2010 may be opening up the positive for me. I think Ive worked really hard for it. So far Ive accomplished the following:

1. Finally getting rid of my ex. Boyfriend that is. Actually I got rid of him a long time ago but with my car being in our names it felt kind of like a divorce instead of a breakup. Problem solved now, my car is now in my name.

2. Goodbye bipolar boss. No details needed.

3. Being debt free! The braces and ALL other debt are being paid off in a few days (I ran out of stamps, but the money is in the bank). Well, except the car and the ones that just never go away.. ie cell phone, rent, etc. That means more money to.. save! (If you thought I was going to put "spend" then you obviously dont know me.)

Life is like an escalator. Shit happens, but it keeps moving. Onward and upward.

I did it.

I sure did. I just up and walked out of my job. It wasnt so great when it happened, but now I feel a big sense of relief. No more bullshit drama. No more gossip. And most importantly, no more negative, bipolar boss.

So what was the straw that broke the camels back? Well, first off, I did my job. I did everything that was required of me, on time, and I always completed it. Right? Right. Even in todays meeting, when I brought that up to the boss, she said "I never said you werent doing your job." But obviously that wasnt good enough. Apparently along with that job I was supposed to be a friend. I was supposed to talk and be giddy and pretend that I was in a great mood even though the aura of the office was negative. She was never satisfied with anything. I mean, it was a constant "GOD DAMN IT, SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!" or worse, talking shit about anybody and everybody. Id ask what a case was about and it wasnt just "Oh so and so is doing this now". It was more of "Oh, that stupid nut is doing this now." Or for example yesterday, when I asked what a client who was supposed to be coming in looked like, the very first response was "A Jew." Umm, Im sorry but what does a fucking Jew look like? Seriously. When people are negative and always bitching or talking shit about someone/something, it rubs off. And when that happens, who the fuck wants to be your friend?? I dont.

So anyway, back to the straw in the camels back. I have only been talking to my boss about business related matters. She dropped from my "friends list" a long time ago when I figured out how two faced she was. She felt that she couldnt talk to me because of this and decided to have an unexpected meeting with me today. Once that conference room door shut it was immediate attacking.

"I DONT KNOW WHAT I DID TO YOU, BUT IM TIRED OF YOU TREATING ME LIKE IM A NOBODY AND HEARING ALL THIS GOSSIP SO WHY DONT YOU TELL ME WHAT I DID TO YOU TO MAKE YOU TREAT ME SO BADLY!"

This is not how an adult conversation should be. How about instead of attacking me and accusing me of gossip (as if shes not the Queen of Gossip), tell me what was heard and ask me, like an adult, to explain. She even went as far as to tell me to quit yelling at her when she was the one attacking me to begin with. Its only a natural reaction when someone raises their voice to you, youre going to do it back. Plus, if someone demands me to tell them something then they cant be mad at me because my answer isnt what they want it to be. Everything I would tell her she would get even more mad about and start yelling at me more. It got to the point where she was just yelling at me as if she were my mom and not letting me speak at all, so I finally had enough of it and walked out.

Best decision Ive ever made in my life. Ever.

A new goal

"You always said that I was always right. That I made the right choices & had the right reasons for them & you confided in me for the right answers. But when it came to our friendship I was the one that was wrong & you were the one that was right. I failed you & you fought; I was sorry & you forgave. But I realize now that there is a part of me that isnt sorry because it only brought us closer. We didnt need to see each other all the time & hang out to be close. I learned to confide in you as you much as you did me. I needed you then as I need you now, & even though I cant have that anymore I will always appreciate that second chance you gave me."

I wrote that on Laura's Facebook wall the other day. When someone walks out of your life there is always some sort of regret. When my dad passed, the guilt I still carry with me is that I was so mean to him when he was sick. I was only 14 years old at the time and didnt know any better because he didnt tell me or my sisters the condition of his health, but that doesnt seem to change the way I feel now. With my friend Laura recently passing, all I can think about is how I shouldve made time for her. She understood that I work 7 days a week and she never begged for my time, but I should have taken the initiative and made time for her anyway because I knew thats what she wanted. With that said, I will try and set a new goal. Regardless of the amount that I have to work or the money I have or dont have, I will try to hang out with each of my friends at least once a month. I dont have very many since having two jobs for 5 years has made me fall off the face of the earth, but I still have a few and I will do my best. It doesnt change anything between Laura and I, but at least I wont have the same regrets if and when another friend leaves.

My dear friend

I met her at when I worked at Home Depot. At first, she didnt like me. I didnt know that then, of course, but it was because she thought I was a bitch. Not because I personally did anything to her, but because I didnt really come off as a friendly person. She gave me a chance anyway. That was one of the many good things about her.. she gave people chances. We instantly got along great. She was the bubbly, happy-go-lucky one and I was the more serious one. She confided in me when she was down and looked up to me because she thought I always made the right choices and had the right reasons for them. I envied her free spirit, her carefree attitude. She was spontaneous and did things for the memories of happy moments. When I lived in Sachse she was there for me every day. We stayed up late at night just talking and drinking then fell asleep in my bed. She used to clean my apartment while I was at work. I eventually moved 45 minutes away from her. After that, we only talked on occassion, usually through text. And then I gave up on her. She fought for me and gave me a second chance at friendship. It brought us closer.

Yesterday Laura was taken from me and everyone else who loved her. I am thankful for the good memories she gave me and I will never forget her or our friendship.

My dear friend, Laura

May you rest in peace.

2010: a time for change?

Things have not been going well for me for the past few months. I cant stand my job boss and have been searching for a new one for a good while now, I feel like I come home to take care of kids (people I am supporting) after a stressful day of work, I work too much in general (7 days a week), and I just found out that Walgreens did not provide me with insurance even though I signed up for it. Saturday I opened my electricity bill and it was $300 (see, I told you they were kids), yesterday I spent $188 at the doctor's office due to the lack of insurance and I havent even gotten the prescriptions filled yet. My boss told me the other day, in a positive way, that we were about to get a lot of good work coming in and that I "should be lucky that I have a job instead of being like those who just got laid off." Who says that to their employee? I mean is that supposed to make me see the light? Cause if so, it just made me hate my boss that much more instead.


When I read everyone else's blogs I find a lot of positivity and it really makes me envy them. I want to be a positive person. I want my life to be positive and I want all the people making me work hard to drag me down to just get out. I am tired of compromising and am struggling to make everyone else happy. I need to be free.


I got this in an email and thought I would share. Perfect timing, huh?


HANDBOOK 2010:


Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2009.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10 - 30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.


Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't overdo. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the cirriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree..


Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything..
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business..
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.


Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
35. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
36. The best is yet to come..
37. Your inner most is always happy. So, be happy.